When we saw a consular she was convinced I was going to leave her because she started getting bossy and “acting like my Ex wife” her words not mine. Here was a woman who not only understood you but who you could truly be yourself with. We haven’t had any contact in 16 months, but I still feel a potent mix of desire and fear towards her. Breakups With Women With Traits of BPD – Five Misconceptions That Keep Men From Letting Go and Moving On, Identifying Traits of BPD In Women Before Relationship Commitment. Partner with BPD. She quit treatment. I think it’s important to define “successful” relationship as well. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is an illness marked by an ongoing pattern of extreme moods, fluctuating self-image, and erratic behaviors characterized by impulsive actions, sudden shifts to intense anger or sadness, depression, anxiety, problems in relationships, and even violence. Suddenly yesterday I had an email from him. As I read your articles I am learning a new way of communication with her, this is all new as in my past I usually just say next in line step forward. I'm sorry for my misuse of the term, I wasn't trying to offend anyone! Their emotions do not allow them to use their intellectual processing center which is where all of us process ethics and morals. I was in exactly your position at your age (long term long distance initiated at 19, later marriage followed by heart-rending discard), but the devaluation phase did not start for me until 9 years into the relationship (I'm now 33), making me feel like I wasted my 20s. Thank you for listening. He became very toxic and emotionally draining as time went on and one day vanished just a week after he promised me that he would never disappear again. Thank You So much Joanna! It depends about how long devaluation lasts. What drives idealization and devaluation by women in romantic relationships at a very basic level is relationship insecurity. There is nothing you can do to avoid this happening, because once the trigger happens, the devaluation will follow. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a type of personality disorder defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) as a pattern of instability in personal relationships and self-image. Once I realized he was ghosting I decided I was done and went no contact. Those affected often engage in self-harm and other dangerous behavior. There are apparently a lot of men whose BPD goes undiagnosed and I’m not saying I’m without flaws or issues of my own as a woman. I should point out that not everyone with BPD experiences the same symptoms, or even the same symptoms in the same way. The relationship came to a sudden and painful end two years ago. Though it has a long history, this article covers love bombing used as a manipulative technique, to maintain power and control in a relationship. (see: social media) in an attempt to convince others, and more importantly, themselves, that they’re in a happy, healthy, and successful situation. There is a great drop in valuation of her mate that occurs at this stage due to disappointment. About 4 million Americans struggle with this serious mental illness, typically in their teens or 20s. If a woman does not possess the traits that drive her to idealize her mate she usually won’t engage in devaluation. I just wish she knew the pain I feel and have mercy on me. Joanna, Thank you for this article. Joanna Nicola is a consultant, developer of the Nicola Method for high conflict and author of The Nicola Method Workbook. The person with traits of BPD will suspend all their fear of humiliation in the euphoric beginning phases of the relationship which quiets the internal scary campfire stories. The constant in it all was the devaluing of me and/or our relationship. If this pattern of devaluation continues over a long period of time, she will eventually decide that he deserves her insults and criticisms, ignoring the fact that it is never our right to take on the role of a punisher for our mate. I personally don’t take any offense to being a borderline... A place for those who have BPD (also known as EUPD), their family members and friends, and anyone else who is interested in learning more about the mental illness. Imagine times when you were overwhelmed with negative emotions. Conversely, because the ability to separate from or ignore one’s emotions easily is a very common male personality trait, we will find mostly men on the right side of the spectrum of interest in romance. The challenge for men who are often too far over on the right side is to get more in touch with their emotions so that they understand a woman’s more pronounced emotional needs in romantic relationships. 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